As some will know I struggle with depression. I said a while back I'd go through how it affects me but shortly after found myself in a very delicate position.
I'm still having a hard time but coping better.
For me I start to feel trapped. It's like everything is my problem and that I don't do enough, despite being physically and financially unable to it's still there. It's still my huge burden.
This never leaves but intensifies. It's exhausting.
The next emotion that strikes is anger. When I'm in control my clumbsiness doesn't get to me too much but when I'm struggling it hits hard. I truly wind my self up which leads to me snapping at everyone that crosses my path. I drop something, trip over the dogs or bounce off the walls i find myself feeling so very angry. When it's so very unreasonable it then turns into frustration. The only outlet is tears.
At this point the nasty little voice crawls in repeating 'useless', 'pointless' and other more negative thoughts over and over it pushes me to the brink.
I have many times got to the point that I researched the quickest way to stop it. I tell myself it's just out if curiosity but deep down I know. I know I'm seriously considering 'It'. Looking into a way that if I feel committed to an end that no intervention can stop me.
Things that really get to me are comments such as ' your just being dramatic' or 'you just want attention'. Truth is it's far from the truth, I want to disappear just blend in and go unnoticed.
How do I gain control?
The way I stay on top of the issue is with medication.
I know right, such a dirty word for those using medication to squash the thoughts and vulgar emotions, I so often get told I should go for a walk in nature or try sleeping more. I've even been told that I'd be much better just eating better.
Hearing those things makes me furious. No amount of staring at trees or chewing on lettuce will correct a chemical imbalance. That's what depression is. It's something just not quite on the right levels internally so next time someone tries to shame you I'll let you know what my response is.
I simply reply 'take your opinion and return once you've done your research or experienced real depression. I'm going to take my tablets, my MEDICATION and keep going with a method that works for Me.'
And if I'm infuriated I simply reply 'shove your tree up your backside' then walk away. Not the most mature way, I know, but it gives me a little relief.
In short I live with depression and for now medication is what works so I shall continue with that because that's what allows me to keep going.
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